Have you ever lost someone or something that you really loved? And you miss them and want them back?
That feeling is grief. And as a culture, we’re pretty lousy at managing it.
I’ve experienced a long list of losses in my life: family members have died, precious pets have been put down, career ambitions have shattered, homes have been lost, relationships have splintered …
… And as a result, I’ve gotten pretty good at the process of grief.
This past weekend I found myself dancing with my grief again, and it prompted me to make this video for you.
What you’ll take away from this video
When you don’t let yourself grieve fully, you suffer in other ways. You feel cranky, depressed or unproductive. It’s important to let it out, and not try to bottle it up or “keep it together.”
What does it mean to grieve fully?
First and foremost, grieving fully means allowing yourself to grieve as often as you need to.
I know that’s easier said than done. One of the most irritating things about grief is that it keeps coming back.I finally just accepted that grief is like a trash can. You can empty it out with deep catharsis, but at some point it will be full again. And the only thing to do is empty it. Again.
[Tweet “Grief is like a trash can. You can empty it out with deep catharsis, but eventually it’s full again.”]
Even though I know this, whenever I feel grief coming up on me, my reaction is typically, “Crap. Not this again. I really don’t want to be feeling this pain again, and I really don’t want to have to do this deep emotional work again.”
Another way to grieve fully is to make sound. Lots of it.
Our Puritanical culture unfortunately frowns on this too. Kids are forever being shushed when they’re upset, and it doesn’t get any better when we’re adults.
But to release the grief from the tissues of your body, sound is necessary. Sobs. Roars. Wails. Blood-curdling screams.
My third suggestion for how to grieve fully is to give yourself as much time as you need. This means to not try and stop yourself after 1 minute or 5 minutes of crying; and it also means to not expect yourself to be “over” your grief by some arbitrary date. Grief takes as long as it takes.
- There have been times that I’ve cried for the better part of three days.
- There have been times that I’ve wailed pretty much non-stop for more than an hour.
- After one particularly painful breakup with a guy, I cried every day for 10 days.
- It’s been 14 years since my mother died, yet I still have periodic episodes where I’m overcome with missing her and have to cry it out. Again.
You’re not alone
The most important thing I hope you take away from this post and video is that grief is a universal human experience. As lonely and sad as you may feel sometimes in your grief, you’re not alone. There are other people who feel just the way you do.
You may not feel comfortable posting a video on YouTube about your sadness like I’ve done; but if you let yourself share with the people in your life when you’re sad, you’ll surely find sympathetic and comforting ears.
If nothing else, you can share with me!
Please share in the comments how this video has helped you.