This article is part of a series. Click here for the first article in the series, “What Is a Visibility Wound™?”
The Visibility Wound™ is fundamentally caused by a lack of self-esteem, self-love and self-confidence. This Wound is the culprit when you find yourself thinking things like:
“I’m not worthy.”
“I’m not good enough.”
“Nobody likes me.”
“I’m not OK.”
“If I expose myself for who I really am & what I really believe, I’ll be attacked or even destroyed.”
It doesn’t take a degree in psychology to understand that beliefs like these are extremely deep-rooted in the psyche, going back to experiences you first had as a toddler.
As such, completely healing your Visibility Wound™ can require a long and difficult journey of personal development & spiritual growth.
But if you’re at a point in your journey where you’re ready to begin to heal this Wound, you will find that the steps I outline below can help you the next time you’re suffering a Visibility Wound™ flare-up.
1. Recognize the flare-up
About a year ago, I was leading a group coaching program in which I had committed to posting daily in the group’s private Facebook group. One of those weekly posts – the Friday post – was supposed to be a few words of wisdom to help my group members plan their next week.
But on this one particular Friday, I found myself still in bed at 2:00 in the afternoon, feeling incredibly depressed. I knew I was supposed to be writing a post for my group, but I sooooo didn’t feel like doing it.
Then somehow, in the swirling thoughts of my depression and my sense of obligation, it dawned on me, “I’M HIDING.” I realized that I was both physically hiding, underneath my covers, as well as cyber-hiding, by not making a post that day.
Because of how much work I’d been doing on my Visibility Wound™ at that point, I realized that hiding is something I do when I’m feeling unworthy (ie, a Visibility Wound™ flare-up).
So I paused to check in with myself, and sure enough, I discovered that on top of whatever else was making me feel bad, I was also thinking to myself, “I have nothing valuable to say today.”
2. Understand that you’re making a choice.
Once I put two and two together, it became obvious that I was suffering from a Visibility Wound™ flare-up.
- Something had happened to trigger my deep-seeded feeling of unworthiness.
- Because I was supposed to be showing up for my group that day by writing a post, the unworthiness became the thought, “I have nothing valuable to say.”
- The belief about being unworthy and having nothing valuable to say was so intensely painful, I was trying to run away from it by hiding.
Voila – the recipe for a Visibility Wound™ flare-up!
But the critical realization that I got that day was that by continuing to hide, I was perpetuating the Wound.
That’s an important takeaway – that when you’re IN your Visibility Wound (or any kind of powerful self-limiting behavior), it’s extremely difficult to see it for what it is. So because you can’t see it, you keep repeating it. It’s a self-defeating cycle in that way. In order to break through it, I had to hire a coach to help me see things I couldn’t.
While it felt somehow safer to stay in hiding, it also affirmed the false self-limiting belief that I was unworthy & had nothing valuable to say. Because if I WAS worthy or had anything valuable to say, why on earth would I be hiding??
This made me realize that I was making a choice to hide.
Which also meant, of course, that I could also make the choice to come out.
3. Act in the face of your fear
The second half of the battle – and this is the really hard part – was taking a different action.
The reason I was withdrawing from my people was that a young, scared, wounded part of me had developed the belief a long time ago, “When I’m feeling bad, the safest thing to do is go hide in a hole. Isolate myself completely from other people, so that they can’t hurt me more.”
The grown-up, healthy, rational me was able to see (with help from my coach) that that behavior of isolating myself wasn’t working for me. My intellect could see clearly that to solve the problem, I needed to do the opposite, and allow myself to be seen.
So even though it was all kinds of scary – so much so I was actually crying as I did it – I came out of my hiding place and let my people see me. Literally. I made a post for my group that day in which I showed up exactly the way I was in that moment – owning my role as leader, but also acknowledging how afraid I felt on that day to be that very leader.
And how did people respond?
The unanimous response was positive. Several commented that they were impressed or touched by seeing me be so vulnerable.
One woman said, “It’s reassuring to see that powerful leaders are still human.”
So I encourage you to ask yourself what’s the terrifying belief that has you blocked from doing what you know you should be doing? And then do it anyway.
For help accessing your self-limiting beliefs and working through them in a supportive environment, consider hiring me for private coaching. I offer 6-month packages starting as low as $2,500, or up to $20,000.
To start the conversation, email my assistant Rosie@JuliaKline.com. She'll send you my coaching brochure, describing all that I offer.